trauma

More on the brain and some break-throughs!

/ fosteringmoorelove / Leave a comment

What a whirlwind it’s been! 2019 has worn me out.

So, I’m putting all this “out there” so I can find out who my awesome resources and experienced mommas/daddies are, or maybe give another parent some hope or ideas. We have had major regression and aggression since the week of Christmas. 14 fits in 9 weeks to be exact. (This is a lot for *Little man.) So, naturally, I’m back into my reading and research.

PANDAS is something all parents should be aware of. I have recently read about it, thanks to another mom that “randomly” crossed my path a month ago. This could be a cause of aggression and more frequent fits along with obsessions. He had strep the same week aggression started…and it has continued weekly until we received some more information from a neurotherapy facility.

We had a brain scan at the Neurotherapy facility, 3 weeks ago, which is really insightful! Since those results, (which are all possibilities, not diagnoses) I have been intervening when necessary, as if he had a diagnosis of OCD and indecisiveness. With many students I have taught, choices were what kept them functioning in the classroom. *Little man gets even more frustrated when offered a choice, when he is succumbing to “caveman” brain. I was previously either giving him a choice, but not necessarily the thing he was fixated on, which causes him to escalate; or, we completely ignore him, also causing him to escalate.

Thankfully, with OCD in mind, I have begun to see his fits as a lack of control, versus him trying to manipulate or take control. I focus on helping him get whatever it is he is crying about. I used to steer clear of his obsession during fits, because my previous parenting focus was, “you can’t get what you want when you act like this,” and focused on setting boundaries with my kids. This new strategy is one that is really hard for me- kids who are capable of controlling their emotions, get what they want if they whine more, cry, or ask over and over. I experience kids who test these boundaries frequently in my classroom. But ultimately, most kids thrive on boundaries. *Little man is a different story.

I am now relying on the fact that he actually can not mentally let ‘whatever it is’ go. OCD comes in various forms taking on the form of sensory and/or mental repetitive thoughts too, which I didn’t know until I read more about it.

Along with the new linguistics during a tantrum, we are going to our 3rd consultation at a highly recommended therapist. He offers many different treatment options, including neurofeedback. I have called many facilities, therapists, and doctors who offer neuro/biofeedback, thanks to our therapist’s referral and leads from my new mommy friend. Updates will follow, but please comment with your experiences.

I have also discovered Hylands supplements at Sprouts, thanks to a friend at school. We began taking these daily for irritability each afternoon, the same week I found out about the possibility of OCD, and received more information about the neurological effects of Strep.

So here we are, and we will grow together and stronger; as this too, shall pass. I am bringing my sis-in-law to help me listen and make an informed decision of our plan to a healthy mind and body.

30 minutes

/ fosteringmoorelove / Leave a comment

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Why does 30 minutes affect our lives exponentially around here and in so many strange ways? Can you relate?

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Here are some examples of time and its constant crazy mind games it plays on me these days:

Some fast forward scenarios: “Yay, I have 30 minutes!” is a joke, because it can go by like 5 minutes of time, if I somehow manage to be home alone. I find myself thinking of the 100 things I want to get done before the sweet sounds from my boys and chaos arrive. How do I decide on what to do? …go to the gym, organize, plan ahead, catch up, write, read, connect on Instagram, laundry, dishes, walk, run, even the decision wastes my quiet time! =)

“Load up, we have to go now!” Oftentimes, if we don’t leave with at least 30 minutes ahead of time, to travel 7 miles, we will be late during the sports and afterschool appointment hour in our crazy little suburb.

In the world of teaching, 30 minutes can seem like less than 10 when teaching a new concept or engaging students in hands-on activities.

30 minutes of exercise is waaaayy too short, when I’m relying on it for stress relief.

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Slow-mo scenarios: “How has it only been 5 minutes?” 30 minutes of make-believe play (super heroes vs. bad guys) with my littles has always felt like double-time to me.

Sometimes I get excited, “yay, we have 30 minutes!” Brian and I can make a pretty healthy, delicious dinner together in 30 minutes.

30 minutes can also make the flood of tears, screaming, and trying to help my child regain control feel like an eternity.

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After a *little man fit last month, *C$ intervened. It worked. It felt like a punch in the gut, and made me so excited and proud at the same time. It was past the 30 minute buffer for afterschool activity travel time. *Little man couldn’t find one of his little kid lacrosse game sticks that he wanted to bring and play with while big brothers were practicing. I was rushing to get round 1 of dinner for the big boys, pack *little man’s dinner, water bottles, and change out of work clothes. *Little man wanted me to help him look for his toy, but I suggested he grab another toy since we were almost out of time. Right before “go time” I suggested again he get another toy, he refused with tears; so, I suggested he bring the one stick and ball he found. I quickly pushed shoes on his feet, and he became louder with his cries. After we got in the car, he was in full blown tantrum. I looked back at him, very agitated and distracted, I sternly said, “no sir, you may not scream in the car,” while reversing up the driveway. I promptly had to slam on the breaks because a car was coming quickly up the hill past our driveway. I scolded him that crying loudly in the car was dangerous, explained the wreck that almost just happened and again said, “you need to stop so I can drive, safety.” He escalated. I put the car in park and brought him to the porch so he could have the rest of his fit, which consisted of stomping, screaming, and throwing shoes in my direction.

C$ noticed I was flustered, ignoring little brothers cries, and must have thought that if he didn’t try, we would be late to his practice. As soon as he reached to touch *little man’s back, and ask him if he wanted to borrow his real lacrosse equipment, the screaming stopped. He was able to nurture when I was feeling beat up. He could have chosen to be angry about being late, or that he was just screamed at, but he chose to nurture. ♡

The next fit came later that week, Brian was traveling, and C$ said, “mom, can I talk to him?”

You guys, this is huge.  I wish I could freeze time and remember exactly the way our big boy acted in these tense moments.

Kids of trauma can often have “terrible twos” tantrums due to stunted brain development in one of the five areas. Our fits have always started with two factors. He is tired and doesn’t get his way, or he is corrected and hungry. It starts with crying, we usually try to move him or the big boys away from each other. If we engage, he escalates. If we ignore, he escalates. We are trying different strategies with each fit, and documenting each one. We now have an official plan in place and accommodations for school. We are learning to trust and he is learning that his “caveman” brain fits have consequences. We have realized that very natural and relational consequences do work the best thus far. He has had so many transitions in life that he is not “attached” to things, but he is attached to people. He does not want to be alone, or go without attention. Our parenting class with @andystanley and @sandrastanley couldn’t have taken place at a more perfect time. Though relational consequences are exhausting, and we desire to take more away (more tangible items), we have focused consequences directly related to the crime of the relationship he hurt. Big brother relationships are what he cares about most, so we are able to use the fact that, “they won’t want to play with you when you act like ______.”

We are becoming very intentional with our time. Sometimes we don’t agree on the way to prioritize it, but we are recognizing this tough mind game that time is playing, and trying to decide how we want to and need to spend the time we have left with our kids before they leave our home.

Because of October chaos, I am behind posting a few drafts. So, I have to end with this update: please, knock on wood or say thankful prayers for healing and stability, this month, *little man has only had one fit at school and no fits at home.

perfect timing

/ fosteringmoorelove / 4 Comments

The “transition plan” is over.  The pre-adoption papers are signed.

*scroll down for the cliff notes on our adoption update*  =)

As humans, we try to control everything.  In this day and age perfecting a family schedule is an art.  In addition to scheduling, responses to communication is expected through email, text, prayer, FB messenger, phone call, etc., and expected in a short amount of time.  It is so easy to let our events and forms of communication control our day, or become overwhelmed by all of this.

As adults, we make excuses, “I’m too old,” “too busy,” “too tired,” “too stressed,” “it’s Monday,” “I can’t,” etc.  We want to control the timing all things occur, desperately trying to stay organized and responsive.

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Children make excuses too, but adults are so good at working them through those insecurities.  Children also have a desire to control, but this is where we, as adults, often miss an important opportunity: our job as adults/parents should be to take that overwhelming desire and let them know we are in control.  (Control has a negative connotation, such as yelling, punishing, or disciplining, but that is not the control I’m referring to.)  All kids, and particularly kids of trauma, need to know an adult is in control and they don’t have to be.  It can be a long process to even “untrain” an average kiddo, I see it in the classroom all the time.  They need to trust, feel safe, and don’t need to feel the stress that many adults place on children.

As adults, we also have a desire to control our child’s communication.  We want them to respond to adults in a certain way, be excited to see people we care about and express it, change their tone of voice, eye-contact, body language, the list is exhausting just thinking about it.  It comes down to modeling.  Adults have a huge task ahead of us as technology is quickly changing verbal and face-to-face communication.  We must be so intentional about conversational communication, modeling, and discussing those conversations that won’t shame in front of the adults that are speaking to our kids.

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I remember having a conversation with Brian, about having our 2nd child, asking him, is it really the right time?  Do we have enough money, energy, and time for this change?  The answer was no, but it was still perfect timing.  We wanted to control when it was “the right time.”  We didn’t realize, that we just needed to be at peace with the timing.

There is a plan for all of us.  The timing of *little man’s move-in, is perfect.  Do we have the energy and time for this change, at times, we still may say no to this question.  Brian had a meeting that he had to prepare for outside of work, he had to fly out of town, it’s the end of Spring Break, it’s 7 months after we finished all of our training/home visits/paperwork, but still…it’s perfect timing.  We were not always very patient since the timing was out of our control.  We have learned to pray for that peace.  Our communication will be in due time, and not very responsive.  =)  While we know the intentions are great, please don’t ask how it is going in front of the kids.  It makes me think of this quote I recently read, “No for now, not for always.” -Sandra Stanley

*Tomorrow, April 6th is “move-in” day!  The timing is perfect!*  Follow @fosteringmoorelove on Instagram for a few recent pictures.  I am sure there will be a lot more tomorrow.

 

research

/ fosteringmoorelove / Leave a comment

Thank you Dr. King; I am taking advantage of this day off of work to add some more information to our blog.  Leaving this right here:

Martin-Luther-King-Jr-quote

Wow!  I can’t believe the information out there.  This information and years of research is so important for my career, let alone adding another child who has been through trauma to our family.  I am lucky to have a friend who has been through adoption, to get me started on this quest for understanding.  She suggested I start with The Connected Child: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/book/ and Wounded Children Healing Homes:  https://binged.it/2Ddcgtj Both have great information for ANYONE who works with children. I have come away with things I would love to share with other teachers, and I am sure Brian and I will use these as a resource when questions arise in our home, in the future.  I have analyzed these books, along with some information from our IMPACT training course and a podcast by Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.

The four most important take-aways I have found thus far:

4.  understanding the effects on the brain (I could go on for days and will be continuing my studies)- Trauma can stop or slow brain development across any of the 5 areas:

  • Cognitive, emotional, social, moral, physical
  • Though a child may seem to be growing/maturing just fine, despite their past, there may be one (or more) area(s) that he/she is not able to perform at the level of peers.
  • There may be specific areas of executive functioning that a child struggles with and will need all the support and understanding that he/she may not be able to function like peers in the categories of attention, working memory, self-monitoring, time and planning, and cause and effect.

3.   flexibility- Though we want our children to be successful academically (I’m such a teacher), but flexibility is key.  Before our kiddos can perform academically, there may be some character traits to work on, some life skills to teach.  Children of trauma are not able to just learn the standards.

2.  consequences-  These go hand-in-hand with #3.  Life lessons and life skills need to be learned first.  Wouldn’t it be great to have a checklist for all these and to check them off as you “teach” them and be done with it. 😉  No child functions that way and that is where patience and repetition come into play.  It seems as though kids of trauma can digress without these, no matter how much push back they give.  They need to know we adults are in charge.  Here is my list of seemingly common sense tips, but not an option for kids of trauma.

*Natural/logical consequences

  • reinforcement- immediately and frequently
  • don’t overreact
  • private praise
  • be consistent, repetitive, and predictable
  • zero-tolerance for violence (verbal and non-verbal)
  • shame and judgement = not an option
  • limit the “no’s” – The more a child hears “no,” the more they withdrawal from my #1…see below

#1.  relationships- Be present.   I am hoping to share with my teacher friends that they may not realize how much of an impact they have on a child of trauma.  Our kids are with teachers more than they are with us.  We are choosing adoption as parents, but are hoping to have the support of our “village.”  Here are what the experts say; again, they seem like common sense, but not an option for a child of trauma.  This is our job; village, we will need your help with this after we have built trust and a bond with our child:

  1. Eye to eye contact- regulates the brain
  2. attach words to emotions
  3. believe, validate, and discuss negative emotions
  4. safety and self-worth
  5. spend time with him/her, listen carefully
  6. proximity

the world of COMPLEX KIDS…I’ve been in this “world” for 15 years.  I am so happy to have some information and research that brings some understanding to what I have been noticing in the classroom over and over again.  Understanding how trauma effects children will help all adults avoid the false assumption that a child is simply unmotivated or not interested in being successful.

*Again, none of these are my words, please reference the links above.  I am simply putting the information together from what I have researched thus far…so I don’t forget.