research

More on the brain and some break-throughs!

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What a whirlwind it’s been! 2019 has worn me out.

So, I’m putting all this “out there” so I can find out who my awesome resources and experienced mommas/daddies are, or maybe give another parent some hope or ideas. We have had major regression and aggression since the week of Christmas. 14 fits in 9 weeks to be exact. (This is a lot for *Little man.) So, naturally, I’m back into my reading and research.

PANDAS is something all parents should be aware of. I have recently read about it, thanks to another mom that “randomly” crossed my path a month ago. This could be a cause of aggression and more frequent fits along with obsessions. He had strep the same week aggression started…and it has continued weekly until we received some more information from a neurotherapy facility.

We had a brain scan at the Neurotherapy facility, 3 weeks ago, which is really insightful! Since those results, (which are all possibilities, not diagnoses) I have been intervening when necessary, as if he had a diagnosis of OCD and indecisiveness. With many students I have taught, choices were what kept them functioning in the classroom. *Little man gets even more frustrated when offered a choice, when he is succumbing to “caveman” brain. I was previously either giving him a choice, but not necessarily the thing he was fixated on, which causes him to escalate; or, we completely ignore him, also causing him to escalate.

Thankfully, with OCD in mind, I have begun to see his fits as a lack of control, versus him trying to manipulate or take control. I focus on helping him get whatever it is he is crying about. I used to steer clear of his obsession during fits, because my previous parenting focus was, “you can’t get what you want when you act like this,” and focused on setting boundaries with my kids. This new strategy is one that is really hard for me- kids who are capable of controlling their emotions, get what they want if they whine more, cry, or ask over and over. I experience kids who test these boundaries frequently in my classroom. But ultimately, most kids thrive on boundaries. *Little man is a different story.

I am now relying on the fact that he actually can not mentally let ‘whatever it is’ go. OCD comes in various forms taking on the form of sensory and/or mental repetitive thoughts too, which I didn’t know until I read more about it.

Along with the new linguistics during a tantrum, we are going to our 3rd consultation at a highly recommended therapist. He offers many different treatment options, including neurofeedback. I have called many facilities, therapists, and doctors who offer neuro/biofeedback, thanks to our therapist’s referral and leads from my new mommy friend. Updates will follow, but please comment with your experiences.

I have also discovered Hylands supplements at Sprouts, thanks to a friend at school. We began taking these daily for irritability each afternoon, the same week I found out about the possibility of OCD, and received more information about the neurological effects of Strep.

So here we are, and we will grow together and stronger; as this too, shall pass. I am bringing my sis-in-law to help me listen and make an informed decision of our plan to a healthy mind and body.

Birth mom

/ fosteringmoorelove / 1 Comment

After having a tantrum, which started because of several things, but ultimately he was not allowed to go over to a friend’s house with his brother.  These fits are only happening now when two or more factors affect his brain, and are spread about every other week.  (No “trauma” tantrums!)  Brian and I try to engage as little as possible when he is a “5,” or “red” as *little man refers to the top of the 5-point scale.  We stay nearby and I remind him that he is in control of his emotions and “when you stop we can ___________.”  Or “if you don’t stop, we can not ____________.”  Last night was the latter, so I set a crying timer.  He did not stop crying during that time, so I calmly told him that we couldn’t do what he wanted.  He was able to reason when I asked him a question this time, but was angry with me so each time I attempted to connect with him, he began to cry again.  I refreshed his memory that it was ok to be angry with me, but you still have to like me (respect me), and not react in a “level 5.”  We also do not discuss the fit until later that night or the next day when he is using his upstairs brain completely.  I have mentioned them before, but love, love, love this book and these authors:

Upstairs-Downstairs-Blog-Graphic

He finally reconnected with me after snuggling on the couch, a kiss on the head, after-bath lotion, and a show.  *C$ and Dad came in afterwards, and a little humor helped as well.  *C$ told *little man, “I know how you feel.”

Though it was Brian’s turn for bedtime, I decided I would accept *little man’s plea only because I wanted to talk to him about his emotions and his brain.  After two books, one of them three times, (just as if he has my genes- I did the same thing as a kid) we were able to talk about his fit.  I simply reminded him he was too little for playdates, and the reason is because sometimes, his emotions get out of control, just as they did tonight.  Some day he will be big enough and won’t cry as easily, especially at someone else’s home.

Afterwards, he brought up a memory of all three of his previous families (but referred to the moms).  He asked my feelings towards those families; wow, not what I expected, but think I answered pretty well without avoiding the question like I wanted to.

Then he followed my words with, “I miss her.”  (We call her by name; but he decided last night that it was hard to say her name.)  I clarified which mom and said, “That’s okay baby, you can miss her.”

He continued with the conversation, though I knew it was probably getting to be a lot for him for one night.

Then he asked, “when can you be my birth mom?”

Wow, um, even harder, how do I answer this?  “I can never be your birth mom, but will be your forever mom.  I love that she brought you into this world, so Dad and I can have another son.”

He replied with a few more questions, and told me someone else that he missed (that I had never heard of).  He also tried to bring up an additional person from his birth family, but he actually began to get physically hot.  I turned on his fan, and quickly changed the subject to his Braves Blooper stuffed animal.  I did not want shun his feelings or the conversation, but we talk a lot and I knew this conversation would be more productive another night.

After some light conversation about his favorite thing we did at the lake, he brought up his fit again and said it was his “worst thing of the day.”

He told me his bones were shaking and his heart hurt.  While it broke my heart, I’m so proud of those words, but I wanted to equate those words to feelings, and again try to get his little brain ready for sleep.

Cue, pour a glass of wine and try to remember the evening so I can be better prepared for the next time.

Love you *little man,

your forever mom

 

bonding therapy

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I am hoping this type of counseling will continue to grow and be offered in more cities for foster, adoptive, and even blended families.  We drive almost two hours total, to spend about an hour, but it is worth it.  As a busy family, who would normally only see a pediatrician once per year, our kiddos’ doctors may be the biggest influence
(other than teachers, who are not generally trained in this area- which I am working on).  I am hoping doctors will begin to make this referral!  Let’s be proactive instead of reactive; mental health is just as important as physical.

Though I was resistant to send *little man, he has his own therapist (and for other reasons), I ultimately didn’t have a choice.  The therapist and agency drug their feet for months on approving us (they wanted to just approve *little man, while I wanted the big boys to get support and learn how to be patient and lovingly accept their new brother).  Finally, they said they would see the three boys individually and work with them altogether during some sessions.  Though things didn’t originally go as I requested, it seems like it will continue to be a great experience for all.

The therapist is working on getting the big boys used to the fact that they can share hard feelings independently, and she started working on communication with all three.  They have learned through playing games, they have to share feelings, communicate, and pay attention to tone of voice.  It has also brought up the fact that *little man becomes agitated, flustered, and does not listen when he is frustrated.  It presents itself as ADD, but is his response to anxiety.  This is a great heads up for our upcoming Kindergarten school year.  Last week, she took a teachable moment and ran with it.   She explained to *little man that he could have done a better job building and would not have been as frustrated during the game, if he would have asked questions.

without-communication-there-is-no-relationship-inspirational-quote

This type of communication training is quickly becoming my passion as an educator and a mom, due to the fact: the recent school-aged generations have increasing difficulty with verbal communication.  It seems like we are living in a world where negative feelings are shunned and envy is on the rise.

In rereading The Connected Child for my parent coaching classes, I am finding “new” tidbits that are a great communication reminder in our busy world:

— eye contact (as the author describes, driving our kids around to all their events and activities does not count as bonding because they look are looking at the back of our head)

— stay close even during time-outs (adult body language is interpreted easily by kids)

—  avoid open-ended questions (build trust and stay in control)

—  give simple choices (love this example: “would you like an apple or banana with your chicken soup for lunch today?”   NOT: “what do you feel like having for lunch today?”)

— clear instructions (it seems that my boys need eye contact for this as well 🙂

Other updates: No word on final adoption.  *Little man will be registered for Kindergarten at my school.  Staying asleep is an issue; he is making up false reasons for being scared, then ultimately admitting he just doesn’t want to be alone.  Bio family vs. foster family talks are hard.  Family trip #3 is coming up, so consider this a picture overload warning.  And—anyone willing/able to come give C$ a puberty talk?  #notready

cry

I love my family; but, we are in the midst of hard.  Thank goodness for summer!  I love taking pictures, so don’t let it fool you.  We are learning, crying, not sleeping, getting annoyed, but loving, communicating and growing.

 

name calling

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Name calling, gives each person justification, purpose, and builds trust.  On the contrary, name-calling can have the adverse effect; many kids at school get in trouble for mean names that rhyme with, sound like, mock, or just take the place of our given name.

Our names “have power.  They define us.  They contain meaning.” ~compassion.comnames

 

Just as we spent hours, weeks, months, and even years discussing baby names, I realized that names can sometimes have a strong first impression based on previous experiences of relationships and people in our lives.  We call our kids by their “trouble name” (as *Minion would call it), when we add his middle name to our request to speak with him.  I’ll never forget the first time a friend of mine, called me friend.  I knew she was officially “my people.”  We give nicknames to those we love.  And we connect with people when we call them by a “pet” name.

Before our transition began, I was teasing *little man, calling him a superhero name as he got ready for bed.  He said, that is not my name.  I jokingly asked him what his name was and he asked me to call him “love bug.”  I used this particular pet name when he was over the previous visit and he must have connected with it.

We will have to make the exciting legal decision of his name, on his official adoption date (hopefully in a few months).  Despite wanting to change his middle and last name, I know from research that we should “allow adopted children to be themselves – a product of dual heritage?” ~theguardian.com

From day 1, *little man was excited to call for his “brothers,” first.  He followed “brothers” with “Dad” very quickly.  A few days later he called me Mom because that is what the boys and Brian referred to me.  When he was tired at night, he called for me by my name that he has known for years, Mrs. Lori.  After two weeks of calling me mom, we were working together on cleaning up his bedroom, and he said, “Mrs. Wilson,” and quickly became embarrassed.  I tried to blow it off for his sake of embarrassment, but was secretly so excited to have reached his level of trust equal to that of his amazing teacher, who he has known and spent the most time with over the past 10 months.  I know it will take time for him to feel that I am his mom, and I am happy he has been able to feel comfort with this current pet name.  We will be meeting with his teacher in the morning and will be seeking advice as we transition soon, yet again, but this time for Kindergarten!

research

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Thank you Dr. King; I am taking advantage of this day off of work to add some more information to our blog.  Leaving this right here:

Martin-Luther-King-Jr-quote

Wow!  I can’t believe the information out there.  This information and years of research is so important for my career, let alone adding another child who has been through trauma to our family.  I am lucky to have a friend who has been through adoption, to get me started on this quest for understanding.  She suggested I start with The Connected Child: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/book/ and Wounded Children Healing Homes:  https://binged.it/2Ddcgtj Both have great information for ANYONE who works with children. I have come away with things I would love to share with other teachers, and I am sure Brian and I will use these as a resource when questions arise in our home, in the future.  I have analyzed these books, along with some information from our IMPACT training course and a podcast by Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.

The four most important take-aways I have found thus far:

4.  understanding the effects on the brain (I could go on for days and will be continuing my studies)- Trauma can stop or slow brain development across any of the 5 areas:

  • Cognitive, emotional, social, moral, physical
  • Though a child may seem to be growing/maturing just fine, despite their past, there may be one (or more) area(s) that he/she is not able to perform at the level of peers.
  • There may be specific areas of executive functioning that a child struggles with and will need all the support and understanding that he/she may not be able to function like peers in the categories of attention, working memory, self-monitoring, time and planning, and cause and effect.

3.   flexibility- Though we want our children to be successful academically (I’m such a teacher), but flexibility is key.  Before our kiddos can perform academically, there may be some character traits to work on, some life skills to teach.  Children of trauma are not able to just learn the standards.

2.  consequences-  These go hand-in-hand with #3.  Life lessons and life skills need to be learned first.  Wouldn’t it be great to have a checklist for all these and to check them off as you “teach” them and be done with it. 😉  No child functions that way and that is where patience and repetition come into play.  It seems as though kids of trauma can digress without these, no matter how much push back they give.  They need to know we adults are in charge.  Here is my list of seemingly common sense tips, but not an option for kids of trauma.

*Natural/logical consequences

  • reinforcement- immediately and frequently
  • don’t overreact
  • private praise
  • be consistent, repetitive, and predictable
  • zero-tolerance for violence (verbal and non-verbal)
  • shame and judgement = not an option
  • limit the “no’s” – The more a child hears “no,” the more they withdrawal from my #1…see below

#1.  relationships- Be present.   I am hoping to share with my teacher friends that they may not realize how much of an impact they have on a child of trauma.  Our kids are with teachers more than they are with us.  We are choosing adoption as parents, but are hoping to have the support of our “village.”  Here are what the experts say; again, they seem like common sense, but not an option for a child of trauma.  This is our job; village, we will need your help with this after we have built trust and a bond with our child:

  1. Eye to eye contact- regulates the brain
  2. attach words to emotions
  3. believe, validate, and discuss negative emotions
  4. safety and self-worth
  5. spend time with him/her, listen carefully
  6. proximity

the world of COMPLEX KIDS…I’ve been in this “world” for 15 years.  I am so happy to have some information and research that brings some understanding to what I have been noticing in the classroom over and over again.  Understanding how trauma effects children will help all adults avoid the false assumption that a child is simply unmotivated or not interested in being successful.

*Again, none of these are my words, please reference the links above.  I am simply putting the information together from what I have researched thus far…so I don’t forget.