communication

Birth mom

/ fosteringmoorelove / 1 Comment

After having a tantrum, which started because of several things, but ultimately he was not allowed to go over to a friend’s house with his brother.  These fits are only happening now when two or more factors affect his brain, and are spread about every other week.  (No “trauma” tantrums!)  Brian and I try to engage as little as possible when he is a “5,” or “red” as *little man refers to the top of the 5-point scale.  We stay nearby and I remind him that he is in control of his emotions and “when you stop we can ___________.”  Or “if you don’t stop, we can not ____________.”  Last night was the latter, so I set a crying timer.  He did not stop crying during that time, so I calmly told him that we couldn’t do what he wanted.  He was able to reason when I asked him a question this time, but was angry with me so each time I attempted to connect with him, he began to cry again.  I refreshed his memory that it was ok to be angry with me, but you still have to like me (respect me), and not react in a “level 5.”  We also do not discuss the fit until later that night or the next day when he is using his upstairs brain completely.  I have mentioned them before, but love, love, love this book and these authors:

Upstairs-Downstairs-Blog-Graphic

He finally reconnected with me after snuggling on the couch, a kiss on the head, after-bath lotion, and a show.  *C$ and Dad came in afterwards, and a little humor helped as well.  *C$ told *little man, “I know how you feel.”

Though it was Brian’s turn for bedtime, I decided I would accept *little man’s plea only because I wanted to talk to him about his emotions and his brain.  After two books, one of them three times, (just as if he has my genes- I did the same thing as a kid) we were able to talk about his fit.  I simply reminded him he was too little for playdates, and the reason is because sometimes, his emotions get out of control, just as they did tonight.  Some day he will be big enough and won’t cry as easily, especially at someone else’s home.

Afterwards, he brought up a memory of all three of his previous families (but referred to the moms).  He asked my feelings towards those families; wow, not what I expected, but think I answered pretty well without avoiding the question like I wanted to.

Then he followed my words with, “I miss her.”  (We call her by name; but he decided last night that it was hard to say her name.)  I clarified which mom and said, “That’s okay baby, you can miss her.”

He continued with the conversation, though I knew it was probably getting to be a lot for him for one night.

Then he asked, “when can you be my birth mom?”

Wow, um, even harder, how do I answer this?  “I can never be your birth mom, but will be your forever mom.  I love that she brought you into this world, so Dad and I can have another son.”

He replied with a few more questions, and told me someone else that he missed (that I had never heard of).  He also tried to bring up an additional person from his birth family, but he actually began to get physically hot.  I turned on his fan, and quickly changed the subject to his Braves Blooper stuffed animal.  I did not want shun his feelings or the conversation, but we talk a lot and I knew this conversation would be more productive another night.

After some light conversation about his favorite thing we did at the lake, he brought up his fit again and said it was his “worst thing of the day.”

He told me his bones were shaking and his heart hurt.  While it broke my heart, I’m so proud of those words, but I wanted to equate those words to feelings, and again try to get his little brain ready for sleep.

Cue, pour a glass of wine and try to remember the evening so I can be better prepared for the next time.

Love you *little man,

your forever mom

 

bonding therapy

/ fosteringmoorelove / 1 Comment

I am hoping this type of counseling will continue to grow and be offered in more cities for foster, adoptive, and even blended families.  We drive almost two hours total, to spend about an hour, but it is worth it.  As a busy family, who would normally only see a pediatrician once per year, our kiddos’ doctors may be the biggest influence
(other than teachers, who are not generally trained in this area- which I am working on).  I am hoping doctors will begin to make this referral!  Let’s be proactive instead of reactive; mental health is just as important as physical.

Though I was resistant to send *little man, he has his own therapist (and for other reasons), I ultimately didn’t have a choice.  The therapist and agency drug their feet for months on approving us (they wanted to just approve *little man, while I wanted the big boys to get support and learn how to be patient and lovingly accept their new brother).  Finally, they said they would see the three boys individually and work with them altogether during some sessions.  Though things didn’t originally go as I requested, it seems like it will continue to be a great experience for all.

The therapist is working on getting the big boys used to the fact that they can share hard feelings independently, and she started working on communication with all three.  They have learned through playing games, they have to share feelings, communicate, and pay attention to tone of voice.  It has also brought up the fact that *little man becomes agitated, flustered, and does not listen when he is frustrated.  It presents itself as ADD, but is his response to anxiety.  This is a great heads up for our upcoming Kindergarten school year.  Last week, she took a teachable moment and ran with it.   She explained to *little man that he could have done a better job building and would not have been as frustrated during the game, if he would have asked questions.

without-communication-there-is-no-relationship-inspirational-quote

This type of communication training is quickly becoming my passion as an educator and a mom, due to the fact: the recent school-aged generations have increasing difficulty with verbal communication.  It seems like we are living in a world where negative feelings are shunned and envy is on the rise.

In rereading The Connected Child for my parent coaching classes, I am finding “new” tidbits that are a great communication reminder in our busy world:

— eye contact (as the author describes, driving our kids around to all their events and activities does not count as bonding because they look are looking at the back of our head)

— stay close even during time-outs (adult body language is interpreted easily by kids)

—  avoid open-ended questions (build trust and stay in control)

—  give simple choices (love this example: “would you like an apple or banana with your chicken soup for lunch today?”   NOT: “what do you feel like having for lunch today?”)

— clear instructions (it seems that my boys need eye contact for this as well 🙂

Other updates: No word on final adoption.  *Little man will be registered for Kindergarten at my school.  Staying asleep is an issue; he is making up false reasons for being scared, then ultimately admitting he just doesn’t want to be alone.  Bio family vs. foster family talks are hard.  Family trip #3 is coming up, so consider this a picture overload warning.  And—anyone willing/able to come give C$ a puberty talk?  #notready

cry

I love my family; but, we are in the midst of hard.  Thank goodness for summer!  I love taking pictures, so don’t let it fool you.  We are learning, crying, not sleeping, getting annoyed, but loving, communicating and growing.

 

perfect timing

/ fosteringmoorelove / 4 Comments

The “transition plan” is over.  The pre-adoption papers are signed.

*scroll down for the cliff notes on our adoption update*  =)

As humans, we try to control everything.  In this day and age perfecting a family schedule is an art.  In addition to scheduling, responses to communication is expected through email, text, prayer, FB messenger, phone call, etc., and expected in a short amount of time.  It is so easy to let our events and forms of communication control our day, or become overwhelmed by all of this.

As adults, we make excuses, “I’m too old,” “too busy,” “too tired,” “too stressed,” “it’s Monday,” “I can’t,” etc.  We want to control the timing all things occur, desperately trying to stay organized and responsive.

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Children make excuses too, but adults are so good at working them through those insecurities.  Children also have a desire to control, but this is where we, as adults, often miss an important opportunity: our job as adults/parents should be to take that overwhelming desire and let them know we are in control.  (Control has a negative connotation, such as yelling, punishing, or disciplining, but that is not the control I’m referring to.)  All kids, and particularly kids of trauma, need to know an adult is in control and they don’t have to be.  It can be a long process to even “untrain” an average kiddo, I see it in the classroom all the time.  They need to trust, feel safe, and don’t need to feel the stress that many adults place on children.

As adults, we also have a desire to control our child’s communication.  We want them to respond to adults in a certain way, be excited to see people we care about and express it, change their tone of voice, eye-contact, body language, the list is exhausting just thinking about it.  It comes down to modeling.  Adults have a huge task ahead of us as technology is quickly changing verbal and face-to-face communication.  We must be so intentional about conversational communication, modeling, and discussing those conversations that won’t shame in front of the adults that are speaking to our kids.

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I remember having a conversation with Brian, about having our 2nd child, asking him, is it really the right time?  Do we have enough money, energy, and time for this change?  The answer was no, but it was still perfect timing.  We wanted to control when it was “the right time.”  We didn’t realize, that we just needed to be at peace with the timing.

There is a plan for all of us.  The timing of *little man’s move-in, is perfect.  Do we have the energy and time for this change, at times, we still may say no to this question.  Brian had a meeting that he had to prepare for outside of work, he had to fly out of town, it’s the end of Spring Break, it’s 7 months after we finished all of our training/home visits/paperwork, but still…it’s perfect timing.  We were not always very patient since the timing was out of our control.  We have learned to pray for that peace.  Our communication will be in due time, and not very responsive.  =)  While we know the intentions are great, please don’t ask how it is going in front of the kids.  It makes me think of this quote I recently read, “No for now, not for always.” -Sandra Stanley

*Tomorrow, April 6th is “move-in” day!  The timing is perfect!*  Follow @fosteringmoorelove on Instagram for a few recent pictures.  I am sure there will be a lot more tomorrow.